"when it was just a fling before, now you're the one..."

Well this is weird. I may have really put my foot in it. Demanding an answer to "What the fuck do you want from me?" mid snog and pissed as a fart is not the way to end an otherwise perfect day. Not only does it end in awkwardness, guilt and blanking... it's makes you look a bit like a tit as well. Defo not recommended. So yeah. Not even an acknowledgement of existence since my infinite wisdom of opening gob. Crap lol.

On a lighter note (and slightly amusing) following my embarrassment in S____ town, I made my way to Watford for a night out where I forgot the wankers I was staying with were...well... wankers.

They thought it would be HILARIOUS to change all clocks, watches and phone times to be two hours later. I woke up at what I thought to 7.30am, panicked that I was late and rushed like mofo to work...only to realise after settling down at my desk that it was only 7 AM.

Fucking wankers. I am SO tired and can hardly keep my bloody eyes open

You spin me right round baby right round...

There it is again. Every once in a while, I'll get a message that'll headfuck me like a punch in the neck.

"I just don't know what to do with you"

Now, what the hell does that even mean? Apparently it goes something like this:

"We met weirdly and just nothing like that out of the normal should seem as good as it did - it's just something I struggle with"

Eh? What the fuck? I received that on Friday and have been mulling over it since then. I can't help it. I'm a girl. That's what I do. I analyse, dissect, assess and evaluate every minute detail, word and sigh. And I'm still stumped for a feasible explanation.

fucking confused.com over this one. What happened to the good old days of courtship when external factors weren't err... factored in!?

You've lost that loving feeling...

I refer to my previous post in which I mentioned boytoy and bitchboy.

Boytoy boyfriend is no longer boytoy boyfriend as the battle of heart vs. head came to a close. After a few dates with boytoy boyfriend it was clear that the aforementioned spark did not exist and refused to be ignited. We have therefore decided (amicably) to go our separate way but think of the past month (non consumated i might add!) as a life experience that will only enrich our lives and elevate our relationship to that of bestest friends ever.

Phew.

I was worried that if I broke it off with him, he'd be completely devastated (who can blame him?) and hate me forever, seems like I should have just been honest from the start. After a few dates it was obvious that I will never feel "that" for him. When I sat him down for "the chat" he looked hopeful but like he knew it was coming and looked somewhat defeated. He took it well but wants some "time to digest" which of course I will grant him, but it's cool. I'll just wait for him to come back.

It's a shame as he's a great great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him.

Bitchboy did mention (he's become somewhat of a confidante in the whole boytoy crisis) that he doesn't understand how girls minds work in that there's the perfect guy, hot looks, great personality, well off and just a generally fab bloke but I don't fancy him...what the hell? lol I retorted with "girls aren't ruled by cocks and rely on good ol' chemistry to govern their feelings" and to be fair, I don't think I could have said any better.

I just can't help that I'm a fussy ol' mare.

In terms of bitchboy... well I've given up on that fight. To be honest, I really don't want to know anymore as I think our working relationship is great and I don't want to ruin that in the meantime. I'm quite content with the way things are, of course there is always room for improvement but for the moment, if it ain't broke - why fix it?

"But I never said a word so I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again..."

yadda yadda yadda, and so forth.

So I'm kinda going on a whole "find yourself" journey but before you can "find" yourself you have to "lose" yourself.

I decided to lose myself somewhere between juvenile and classical romantic fiction.

First stop Pride & Prejudice. Ok. So it's been done to death but I don't care - Mr Darcy remains one of the top 10 ideal blokes. I strive to bag myself a man like Darcy. Someone who ignites a certain element of passion, emotion, love and intelligence. Oh boy. How I want a Darcy.

Saying that, I seem to be bonding more with a Mr Bingley type character.