"It's the only way"

So - happy 2010!

So far, it's been interesting but don't get your hopes up - it's not like an "oooooh" kind of interesting, more like a dramatic, black and white moving picture (yes, I said moving picture 'cos I'm a pretentious git and I'd rather refer to it as moving picture rather than the colloquial "film") that makes you go "hmmm".

Things between Bitchboy and I went a little...shall we say...further.

Further as in, we've established that there are feelings involved, that we frustrate each other but in a good way, that he really does like me, he likes it when I bite his tongue when snogging and he has a big cock. We've also established that bitchboy is indeed a bitch as we made numerous plans to take this "thing" further, only for him to backtrack and shit all over what friendship we had.

So, let's take a trip down memory lane. The one formerly known as Bitchboy will be hitherto referred to as Shitface (SF). Things started heating up between SF and I during an annual company do - things happened but not all things as neither were prepared for those things but things in general happened (you following?) But amidst those things, nothing was said so that was pushed to the back of the mind and filed under "drunken fun".

Things carried on as normal, we lunched, walked and talked as before - then Christmas came. Then the drinks came. Then the snogs. Then more things happened - but things were also said. Plans were made (albeit drunken plans but still,...).

Christmas day = squish my heart and stamp on it til nothing remains.

Boxing day = hope.

New years = squished.

Couple days after new years = more hope, plans made. Result.

day after = squished and cancelled.

Can you see a pattern? SF will hitherto be known as as Cuntflap (CF)

It would have been nice had CF actually talked to me. Like, talked. You know, with words and sound rather than just text and beeps. It's painful having to sit near it, physically painful. Sometimes I feel sick. I just love the fact that he can sit there and pretend nothing happened.

It's making me angry. Like, violent angry. I want to grab the nearest pen/sharp object and ram it through his neck. But I won't because I need my job. The worst thing about this whole thing? If he said "jump" I'd probably (regardless of whats happened and my anger...) say "how high".

Tragically, I seem to have fallen in love with the wrong person. Again.

It's a new life, it's a new day for meeee

I applied for another job last night. It seems the love story between Pensions and I has come to a bitter end. I'm complacent and very very bored with it. Roll on Communications. I can be creative and sprout some uber bullshit so I'm perfect for it.

On a side note I've been asked to be the social rep for my department (me? really?) considering I hardly drink and I've quit smoking, my social calendar has all but dried up! I know hardly any places to go to hese days... this'll be interesting. The brief? Find a venue for 35 people for drinks/canapes/games. Sounds easy but when your department has an even mix of oldies and young guns with a shitload of opinions on what is 'cool' - it get's a bit frustrating.

I'm quite liking the sound of Volstead in Mayfair.

(500) days of Summer

was actually a strangely enjoyable film.

And is practically my life story.

"It might as well rain til' September..."

So in the wake of my stupidity I decided to try something new and go the whole hog the result of which is a date with D on Thurs. Ooh I'm scared and excited at the same time.

He seems nice but is a ginger. God. Can't get away from them.

"when it was just a fling before, now you're the one..."

Well this is weird. I may have really put my foot in it. Demanding an answer to "What the fuck do you want from me?" mid snog and pissed as a fart is not the way to end an otherwise perfect day. Not only does it end in awkwardness, guilt and blanking... it's makes you look a bit like a tit as well. Defo not recommended. So yeah. Not even an acknowledgement of existence since my infinite wisdom of opening gob. Crap lol.

On a lighter note (and slightly amusing) following my embarrassment in S____ town, I made my way to Watford for a night out where I forgot the wankers I was staying with were...well... wankers.

They thought it would be HILARIOUS to change all clocks, watches and phone times to be two hours later. I woke up at what I thought to 7.30am, panicked that I was late and rushed like mofo to work...only to realise after settling down at my desk that it was only 7 AM.

Fucking wankers. I am SO tired and can hardly keep my bloody eyes open

You spin me right round baby right round...

There it is again. Every once in a while, I'll get a message that'll headfuck me like a punch in the neck.

"I just don't know what to do with you"

Now, what the hell does that even mean? Apparently it goes something like this:

"We met weirdly and just nothing like that out of the normal should seem as good as it did - it's just something I struggle with"

Eh? What the fuck? I received that on Friday and have been mulling over it since then. I can't help it. I'm a girl. That's what I do. I analyse, dissect, assess and evaluate every minute detail, word and sigh. And I'm still stumped for a feasible explanation.

fucking confused.com over this one. What happened to the good old days of courtship when external factors weren't err... factored in!?

You've lost that loving feeling...

I refer to my previous post in which I mentioned boytoy and bitchboy.

Boytoy boyfriend is no longer boytoy boyfriend as the battle of heart vs. head came to a close. After a few dates with boytoy boyfriend it was clear that the aforementioned spark did not exist and refused to be ignited. We have therefore decided (amicably) to go our separate way but think of the past month (non consumated i might add!) as a life experience that will only enrich our lives and elevate our relationship to that of bestest friends ever.

Phew.

I was worried that if I broke it off with him, he'd be completely devastated (who can blame him?) and hate me forever, seems like I should have just been honest from the start. After a few dates it was obvious that I will never feel "that" for him. When I sat him down for "the chat" he looked hopeful but like he knew it was coming and looked somewhat defeated. He took it well but wants some "time to digest" which of course I will grant him, but it's cool. I'll just wait for him to come back.

It's a shame as he's a great great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him.

Bitchboy did mention (he's become somewhat of a confidante in the whole boytoy crisis) that he doesn't understand how girls minds work in that there's the perfect guy, hot looks, great personality, well off and just a generally fab bloke but I don't fancy him...what the hell? lol I retorted with "girls aren't ruled by cocks and rely on good ol' chemistry to govern their feelings" and to be fair, I don't think I could have said any better.

I just can't help that I'm a fussy ol' mare.

In terms of bitchboy... well I've given up on that fight. To be honest, I really don't want to know anymore as I think our working relationship is great and I don't want to ruin that in the meantime. I'm quite content with the way things are, of course there is always room for improvement but for the moment, if it ain't broke - why fix it?

"But I never said a word so I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again..."

yadda yadda yadda, and so forth.

So I'm kinda going on a whole "find yourself" journey but before you can "find" yourself you have to "lose" yourself.

I decided to lose myself somewhere between juvenile and classical romantic fiction.

First stop Pride & Prejudice. Ok. So it's been done to death but I don't care - Mr Darcy remains one of the top 10 ideal blokes. I strive to bag myself a man like Darcy. Someone who ignites a certain element of passion, emotion, love and intelligence. Oh boy. How I want a Darcy.

Saying that, I seem to be bonding more with a Mr Bingley type character.

Sexy! No No No!

Those that know me, know that I'm a lazy bugger and that anything concerning any amount of effort results in my not doing it, so imagine my surprise when I willingly (yes, WILLINGLY) went for a run (I know...doesn't sound right does it?) ok, ok so when I say run, I really meant walk really fast with the running motion, stop every 5/10 minutes when the body and lungs shut down momentarily and go home on the bus haha (hey, it's an uphill run home - that shit is advanced jogging and I'm still on beginner level!)

You see, this is all on my 5 year plan where the main aims are as follows:

1. To lose weight (ooh pudge be gone!)
   
2. To be healthy (moderate drinking and no smoking)
   
3. To be sexy(!)
4. To run a marathon (lmao)
5. To get married and start practising on breeding my army.
   

Obviously the last one is subject to terms and conditions and more than likely be struck from my objectives in the 2.5yr mark... but I hope not as somehow I got myself a boyfriend. Somehow. I'm still a little confused as to what happened but I woke up on Monday morning with a new boy toy (not literally as I kicked him out at 11pm Sunday.)

So last week, I had a somewhat amicable disagreement with my...let's say... "buddy" and we both agreed to go our separate ways. I phoned boytoy up to rant and he just said "shhh, I'll be there in a couple of hours". True to his words, in 122 minutes there was knock on my door and lo' behold was boytoy armed with a picnic hamper, wine and a bunch of flowers. Now boytoy and I have known each other for a while and my feelings for him (after the initial "omg! He's a bit fit innit") have been purely platonic, he's almost brotherly with the odd drunken snog. We can spend a whole week together tied at the hip and still be friends and laughing at the end of it... which is what my dillemma is about now; there is no "spark" with boytoy. None. Nada. Zilch. I admit I only agreed to being his girlfriend as there was wine flowing and it seemed a good idea at the time but thinking about it now - I'm a little apprehensive.

Whilst it may have been one of the most romantic nights of my life in terms of the whole wooing process and words spoken and whilst I can't think of a single reason why I should nip this in the bud, my heart is saying "NO! NO! NO!" HH says I should give it a chance, RS says giving it a chance could ruin our friendship. Hm. Tough.

Add bitchboy to the mix and it's just a cornucopia of crap. Bitchboy & I have that spark.... and it's getting awkward now as we're both trying to keep it on a platonic level. I have noticed though that while he talks a lot, he doesn't really talk much about himself.

Hm, I need to swap boytoy boyfriend for bitchboy boyfriend.

Sometimes, Life just gets in the way.

It's not that I purposely forget, far from it, but sometimes it's just easier to sit down and do fuck all after a hard days' work.

So what has happened since? It was my birthday on the 28th and I have to admit it was one of the nicest birthdays I've had for a long time, I had a nice mixture of relaxing and boozing (ok, so maybe a lot of boozing.)

So what's happened in the past 3 months you say. Well. A fucking lot I can tell ya that.

1) I've moved to London. Yes kids, I'm now a Londoner once again! Albeit it's south of the river (I live in the middle of west Dulwich and Streatham Hill) and it's a fabulous house - I'll post photo's of it at some point - 4 bedrooms, front parking, back garden.. ahh. I almost feel like a grown up. My room is mahussive. It's by far the biggest room I have occupied and due to my hoarding (NOT whoring) nature it seems that it's not big enough for my clothes and I to be in the same room! Luckily enough the small box room is available and after much goading to my housemate, she agreed to let me turn into a walk-in wardrobe/dressing room :-) Good times. The house is nowhere near completion to the visions of residential splendour I've had since we moved in (lack of funds) but it seems I may have to move fast as my housemate is slowly taking over the house! Seriously, I've never seen anyone with so much random stuff!

Ok, ok _ I'm an advocate for random stuff and gadgets but at least my stuff is quality tat... hmm. enough of bitchiness, she's lovely. But needs to start downsizing her kitchen utensil/coffee machine/cups/random lakeland plastic shite/various kitchen appliance collections as the kitchen is chokka full of crap. With not enough space to put the bottles of vodka!

2) I'm pretty much sober these days. 6 weeks of hardly any drinking.... bloody hell that's a feat and a half considering how much I like the odd tipple.

3) Beardy guy and I...well...it's weird. Oh yeah you dont know about Beardy guy? And I aint gonna tell you.

4) Ginger Ninja and I...well... that's weird too and an on-going saga. Remind me to tell you about it at some point.

5) T and I... well... now a closed book. Don't wanna think about it but by God he's still hot.

6) Lipgloss boy and I...well...he's trying to see me but a mouthful of lipgloss and a sore throat in the morning is sooo not what i want.

7) New Developments? I may just be in "like" with my bitch. Yes. my bitch. Who, incidentally is a boy. Not saying he's perfect but he's lovely and i get on with him like anything. It may be just a proximity thing but its difficult. difficult why? Well, I don't particularly want to "shit where one sleeps". And it's abusing the power isn't it? To top it off, it'll be too much exposure - work together and spend time together out of work? There'll be no time forindividuality.

lol I keep forgetting, I don't even know if he likes me like that haha. But hey it seems likely as we spend all day and lunch together... hmm. L says it's only a matter of time as we've already planned our wedding for if we're not with anyone when we're 30...

Anyways, enough about that.

Life has gotten in the way of blogging. So whilst I'll update every once in a while; I'm going to concentrate on life living in the big smoke :-)

You could say that I'm a pretty content little bunny right now but times, they are a'changing.