Round up the Dial-up experience

Ahh doesnt it just bring tears to your eyes? Bring back memories? The wonderful sound of modem workings? Isnt it wonderful? Of course not - i've been stood in my kitchen (the only place with a phone socket) for what seems like an eternity waiting for a page to download - I know i've made a few snide comments about broadband and how slow it can be sometimes but OH MY GOD i never realised that Dial Up was THIS slow.

But it does bring back memories of Napster and when a 4.5kb/s connection was considered "fast" and downloading a single MP3 file would render you useless for a good half an hour while you avidly watch the bar and think "wow its zoomin!" only to be cut off by the person you're downloading from 20 seconds before the end (i'm SO SORRY to anyone i EVER did that to lol)

As soon as broadband was introduced (or IDSN lol yeah baby! 64K!) we had it then upgraded everytime something better came along - right now my parents are cruising at a wonderful 8mb connection whilst I slug (literally) it out with a humble 42.6kbps (overall) connection. Waiting for a 3mb file has so far taken me 45mins with another10 mins left. Is there no such thing as multi tasking (or multi page browsing) when it comes to dial up? So far ive managed to cook some Super Noodles, eat a Fab ice lolly, make some home made lemonade (for real) and watch a bit of Strictly Come Dancing recorded on Sky+ from Saturday and Sunday.

And who said Dial Up was a waste of time?

Its been a real retro-like month this month - i've had to revert to non-luxury and live on a VERY tight budget (as in £0.00 for the month - I have money but I do need to get to work and with fares of £23 a day, its a bit much) i'm just lucky Dad did some shopping otherwise i'd be starving to death. But then again this new found state of poverty isnt all too bad - I've not had a cigarette in a while (frankly cant afford the fuckers but if anyone offers i WILL spark up on I have a cold so its probably best not to), i've walked to the station everyday (woo leg muscles - not good if i dont wanna end up having man legs) and the lack of luxuries like sweets is making me eat fresh fruit a lot more (i have an apple a day and a salad everyday - I would check my weight but we cant afford scales either cos I dropped the others down the stairs! hahaha.

On a lighter note, Roll on April for Independence! My ex housemate is thinking of moving down South and has asked me to be her flatmate again - the plan is for April next year and frankly I cant wait.

Perplexing matters of the Heart.

Can things get even more confusing?

When it comes to meaningful meanderings of la coeur, I'll be the first to put my hand up and say 'WTF mate?' (cos you know, I'm like, Sooo Street).

As with my previous postings, T is now back in the picture and its a very big picture. It's also sending my head spinning with discombobulation and enforces the girly emotions of "omg does he like me? Really? Maybe I'm not good enough? Why isn't he texting me? I texted him about 5 seconds ago! AARGH!"

Needless to say he's becoming a pain my beautifully ghetto booty.

The other night we were talking about getting together and I'm all for it but holding back to not seem desperate (lol) then he changes subject... HEY! what the hell! Then he goes all meaningful and starts talking about relationships and friendships and the acceptable balance of the two... it's like he's lulling me into a false sense of security then spamming me on the forehead with an upturned palm. Shocking how that boy gets me all riled up.

Yesterday we got to the subject of kids. I like to take the piss out of gingers (no offence to the ginger population - I do love you guys, take it as a sign of my affection) and remarked to him that if I ever have kids, as karma, they'll pop out with a full head of nuclear carrots to which he responded "If you ever? Don't you want kids?" I answered with the ambiguous "Someday". He says "Good answer!" - I wanted more information so I asked if he wanted any, he also said "Someday". The conversation carried on as follows:

K -"I'd like them before I'm 30"
T - "I was just thinking, after 30 - we could time it pretty well..."
K- "I'm having your kids now am I?!"
T-"Well yes, you are, go figure"
K- slight grimace and hesitant laugh "well if we do it'll be gorgeous as half filipino's are always gorgeous"

It carried on to say that it'll look like me but have his eyes and nose.

I'm a bit scared but slightly excited and fucking confused as hell - am I reading too much into it? Its not like we're exclusive and what you can call a 'couple'

But one thing's for sure - I'd like to be.

Emoticons Hidden Agenda....

Read this

I have to admit I havent read such an interesting blog entry as the one quoted below. Also I cant help but think that the person who wrote it must have been either very bored, ver drunk, engaging in some sort of drug taking or as I concluded to myself; a bloody genius. Read his blog here. Its an interesting read and reads like a (superflous) novel. (Not necessarily a bad thing)

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Emoticon's hidden agenda.

We all know that emoticons don't really represent anything other than subtle political messages.

This is of course not a definitive guide on how you should interpret the emoticons that sneak into various blocks of text, but it is a small selection of the few I've encountered and whose true intentions have been revealed through the context of the words that held them.

They are often used as a way of shorthand to drive a message unknowingly through the internet without raising suspicion. And is also why I never use them, for fear my communiqué would be misconstrued and leave the reader bewildered by the ambiguity between the lines, not that I don't like to engage in parisology.

Needs more spin.

Freedom of speech erosion.

State oppression.

Nuclear blast, protective eyewear recommended.

Cloneing.

Watch the skies.

Something in the water.

Police enforcment with tear gas.

Religious fanatasicm.

Global warming.

Turning into a brussel sprout.

Zombie attack.

With such knowledge at our disposal we can reveal the following cryptic message:

Once deciphered it reads: "Religious fanatics create clones of themselves and contaminate the water with a malevolent concoction to turn the drinker into a brussel sprout".
There was a certain amount of imaginative thinking to fill in between the points illustrated by the emoticons, but this is only necessary to refashion the message into readable English.

Unfortunatly, this was a message relayed to me a few days ago under the most hideous of circumstances. My poor friend had discovered the nefarious activities of the religious cult, "Faith of the sprout" and their vile designs for us non-believers. I have recently lost contact with my friend, and now fear the worst for his situation, I can only hope he is safe. As I do also hope we are all safe from the insidious threat of these mad men.

haha. Its brightened up my day and reinforces my theory of religious zealots.

A fine day for performance

I awoke with a bang this morning.

Literally.

I rolled off my bed at approx 5.30am this morning and am now the proud owner of a bump on my forehead.

Fine start to the day i thought so i prepared the necessities; made a packed lunch, breakfast, monster cup of tea to kick start my bladder and a snowball for vintage-ness. 57p for 4 which I thought was rather cheap for small yet calorific piece of history. Did you know they've stayed the same size since 1945? I thought that was riveting information that. Intriguing.

IT services will probably look at my work account and think "what the poop does this girl do? does she ever do any work?!" The wonderful answer to that is No. You see, i feel its against my religion (ha) and besides I believe that working is detrimental to my career and personal development.

However my views on "working" CAN be swayed by a higher paycheque.. anyway with the anti-work-but-pay-me-lots way of thinking I embarked on a journey to do as little as possible but make myself look as busy as hell. What's the best way? Phone calls :-) they really are a godsend.tap tap tap on the keyboard with the odd grimace and the occassional "oh no, really?" to my good friends Mr MD and Mr AE whilst in reality talking about the previous nights shenanigans.

Spot the Blogger.

Blogs are scary things - they can be an extension of ones self, an outlet to vent in, a diary, somewhere to tell people about yourself, a place to show off in or just something you just happened to stumble upon and dont know how to delete.

Whatever the purpose, blogs are just bizarrely weird - i still dont understand them yet they are quite addictive as one gets sucked in to the world of another. The whole writing of blogs is a strange little process as you really have to be imaginative wth what you put in so that more people will read and appreciate you... Does this mean blogs are just an ego boosting means equivalent to you just wanting to know what you'd look like if u didnt eat so much cake?..servin the same purpose as like a pretty (so to speak) mirror? Because blogs can deceptive because one is never as exciting as the person than what the blog portrays you to be - theres always gonna be some sort of pizazz when it comes to blogs.

Dont get me wrong I know i'm a boring bitch so dont go getting your knickers into a twist cos you think i think you're a liar and a show off because thats not entirely true, dont tell me you've never glossed up an event or a description of somebody/something when writing for something, be it a diary, blog, journal etc (same thing).

Back to the point, i'm not saying any derogatory things. i'm just pondering and blogs are just there to make you look just that lil bit more presentable to the world and i'm still pondering. I suppose i'm just in a pondering kinda mood, i ponder this and i ponder that and i like pondering random things like the subject in question that I pondered over... and also I ponder about how many times i'll be able to use the word ponder and all its derivatives...? hmm. lo behold a ponderingly perplexing subject to articulately explain.

i have no idea what i'm getting at...must stop drinking and seeing Charlie. Must also stop using the word ponder.

Germs

Germs... ugh.

Apparently if you flush the toilet without putting the seat cover down the germs can jump up to 10ft high out the bowl and infiltrate toothbrush bristles if kept in the same room? eugh. innit

Differential Artistic-ness in surreality.

"There are 6,446,131,400 people in the world...All you need is One"

I suppose it puts the context of love into perspective - however, what if that Ones' one isn't you? You're pretty much buggered arent you? What do you do then? What if the One for you is also the One for someone else? Or worse still, what if you go through your life without ever knowing the One? and vice versa? Makes you think huh? I've been doing a lot of that lately of which this quote is the derivative (goddamn it). It made me think about what I knew, what i'd like to know and who i'd want to share it with.

Then my thoughts kinda went off on a tangent. What DO i really KNOW? Do i know ANYTHING?

Knowledge is something that is highly important to the intellectual world, well... to the civilised world for that matter. Knowledge is something that is attained, something that is aspired to and something that is wanted by pretty much everyone. But it also is something that very few people (Lets say the entire earth population is 100 - i'd say that "few people" would represent around 6 of those 100 people) understand - the more you find out, the more you realise the less you know.

We as a race have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, but why? what are we going to do with all that knowledge?

This is where wisdom comes in. Now wisdom is defined by Cambridge University Press as

wisdom noun [U]the ability to use your knowledge and experience to make good decisions and judgements

A definition that I wholeheartedly agree on, as what is the point of knowledge when there is no authority for application? whats the point of all this knowledge if you dont know how to apply it to everyday life or even use it? I suppose logic and common sense would be termed with wisdom as not many possess such qualities but deem themselves knowledgeable and in short, powerful as they possess all this knowledge (Little knowledge is a dangerous thing) but what is even more dangerous is the lack of wisdom, which subsequently develops into corruption as (and remember this lovely formula):

knowledge+power-wisdom=corrupt ugly Nitwits that suck (all that you're worth and milk you for more)

(Kn+Po)-Wi = CUNTS
LEECHS

wisdom is imperative in our quest for knowledge but it is sadly overlooked for our greed to know more, We should be aspiring to be more wise rather than to know it all as knowledge without wisdom is basically an assumption and we all know that that is very dangerous. And i would SO go on to explain my thoughts on assumptions but i'll use my wisdom and leave it for another day.

High Falutin' Ways.

I get it, I'm psuedo-arrogant. I will judge you if you use poor grammar, I will look down on you if you're scruffily dressed, I will turn my nose up at you if you talk like a moron and I will fantasise about smacking you on the head with a rotten mackerel if you use 'txt spk' outside of sending text messages.

Ugh!

Ok - I am a snob but seriously... txt spk was developed to save character space for sms messages back in the days of when text messages could only handle 160 characters but that grew to 360 so what the hell!? and emails.... WHY THE HECK WOULD YOU NEED TO USE TEXT SPEAK ON EMAILS! AAAHH!


Oh. And I especially hate it if you call me 'Kiiiiiite' instead of 'Kate'

Email Push & Sugar Rush

Technology is a scary thing. I still remember back in the old school days of Dial up and how 128k download speeds were regarded in the highest echelon of t'internet world.

Where are we now? With download speeds in terrabytes, dial up connections and isdn in rarity - we're in the age of technology where even washing machines and refrigeration units have internet access (actually quite useful in the morning whilst swigging orange juice straight from the carton, you can check your gmail for any gossip...maybe thats just me though)

It's scary how in this day and age one cannot walk down the street without seeing a suited Blackberry-er with RSI thumbs (myself included) and without hearing middle management spiel blurted out like aural diarrhoea as well as the inability to confirm availability without consulting ones' calendar. Whatever happened to good old fashioned ways? "Yeah, lets go for a drink - any day next week" as opposed to "Yes, lets go for a drink, cant do Tues I have a tender to submit on Weds, Fri I have a conf call with the Singapore office...you know what, check my online calendar and book some time in I'm sure I can squeeze in an hour!" ARGH.

I hate how I'm turning into one of those people.

I'm beginning to develop paddle-like thumb bases from where my thumbs are permanently typing away on a blackberry. I feel like a numpty.

But I do LOVE my blackberry.

I think I've completely lost my way of thinking for this post...

bewilderness.

Yes, I realise "bewilderness" is not a proper word but it sums up what my head feels like today. Bewildered and empty like the wilderness.

Cancelled on Lipgloss boy last night following a text message that said "will you wear your hair in pigtails so I can grab and wear lots of lipgloss? xx" Umm, no I will not - my perfectly coiffed hair will not be subject to any grabbing thank you very much. I knew he was a bit 'off' but seriously? Bringing my hair into it is so not cool. Lipgloss I can manage and tolerate but between whimpers of 'go on put some more on' and 'i've bought you this flavour to try on' - methinks its getting a bit weird.

Oh well there goes Lipgloss boy again. Its such a shame cos he's ever so hot.

Right lets concentrate on T. Ohh yeah. Now he's HOT.

ohhh a Owange Chickeh es Berry Berry Goo.

The love of my life is now back in the picture. How annoying? T is back from wherever he disappeared to and me being a numpty cant help but feel all giddy when his name is mentioned, when he texts and when he's near.

Is 8 years of unrequited love and lust enough? Or will he make me wait some more lol. I havent seen him for over 5 years yet he still has a hold over me. Its a shame I moved from London otherwise it could've been a completely different story.

We've been texting again and had a little chat on msn for a catch up and my god - arrrgh, HOT! I asked him for a photo just to see how he's grown up (lol) and he looks so much better than I can remember. I think we're meeting up for some drinks on the 19th. Watch this space because if it all goes well, Lipgloss boy is going buh-bye.

Is it too stalker-ish to say I want his babies?

I love Ben and I also love Jerry.

I'm sat here scoffing my face full of Cookie Dough with the occassional spoonful of Piece of Cake and Phish Food. Yum Yum.

Its Sunday which means its Ben & Jerry's day in my household. Dont even bother telling me about the calories & carbs involved because its Sunday I aint gonna listen to shit.

I got horrifically drunk on Friday and Saturday and I *may* have made a twat out of myself at the pub but it happens - you feel dirty for a while but that goes away...And I'm pretty sure I didnt do a dance on the table so I'm sure Monday won't be so embarrassing but I did say some pretty terrible stuff to a friend. I hope they see the funny side of it cos I certainly did, judging by the flashbacks and the recording of my cackle and various photos.

So yeah. Friday night was the MD's birthday (seeing the MD in a nurses outfit is not only rather disturbing but it also desensitises you to when he's angry because you'll just get that image in your head and cant help but laugh inwardly. Laughing on the outside will probably see you get the sack so best not to do that!) The free bar for the night made up for the disturbing images and fustian language. I managed to crawl to the station for 11 and made it back to the home counties for 12.30am. I was horrified to see the taxi bill come up to £12! I bet they took advantage of my inebriated state. The bastards.

I got home safe. I got to the door safely but after 30 mins of fumbling for my keys I realised I dont actually have my keys... so I made my way to the back garden and set up a makeshift bed in the shed where I promptly passed out til 1pm the next day with a godawful hangover and a spiderweb in my vicinity. Surprisingly I didnt scream. If I did my head would've exploded. The walk of shame to the front door followed by my dad looking at me queerly and calling me a dirty lil stopout. I hurriedly pointed out that I was in fact home at a reasonable time and proceeded to prove to him by showing him my makeshift bed. He was impressed and slightly disgusted that I managed to fall asleep with all those creepy crawlies cos usually I wouldnt even enter a room if so much as a spiderweb or a moth is present.

Saturday was good. Charlie & I were reacquainted for the first time in a long while and I have to say I love him. He's such an expensive habit though.

Doowops & Cherry pops

Last night.... lets just say Cherry lipgloss.

Its amazing what one (or two) can do in a couple of hours.

Nasal whingings & Carrot Bingeing.

Again, I've been uber negligent in updating this bastard blog. But hey - I've been busy with life and stuff you know?

Am feeling slightly discombobulated today. Worries of past actions and anxiety of future developments are enough to send one into a quarter life crisis! Actually, I lie, its not been that bad lately. Its been pretty chilled. As you know (or not) I've been living back at the parental home in Chavs-ville (why oh why did I subject myself to that torture?!) and its been difficult to get settled due to maternal hasslings, greed and her eternal laziness. But thats been somewhat resolved in her move to Eastbourne (YAY!) and home life has been smooth sailing since (apart from her monthly 5 day visits which really does get on my tits)

Umm..whats been happening since the last entry... umm. My aunt visited from Hong Kong. Everytime she comes over, this whole other person resides in my body like a parasite! I find myself talking in clipped tones, using proper grammar and limiting gesticulation to the odd hand wave. Its like I've turned into an even more arrogant bitch with delusions of grandeur looking down the common masses trying to emulate my aunt. The entire week was spent tailing her around various shopping complexes and standing by fitting rooms appropriately cooing 'oooh that looks wonderful' and 'of course it doesnt make your bum look big, in fact the A line of skirt skims over your hips thus accentuating your tiny waist line and smooth calves'Gok Wan would've been proud.

I love shopping to a certain extent but more than 3 hours in the same shop is just stupid and a waste of time. I like to go in, pick out stuff, pay and go home. 4 hours in an department store selling only household goods is not a fun way to spend a day. But I've now found the best way for her to put down whatever product she's picked up and move on to the next shop

"Do you really need it? Will you use it? Is it worth it?"

To which she'll sigh and say 'I suppose you're right' and return the product to shelf. I found that tactic reduced my shop waiting time by 46% and my feet are eternally grateful.

So yeah, family rant over. Phew.

Anyway. Fit married man is no longer part of my little circle due to a moral epiphany I had (I know, morals! What the hell?) I gave him the bullshit of 'It's not you, it's me' and 'we're from different circles' tripe. Which he graciously acknowledged but vowed we should remain friends - except when he's drunk and he sends me suggestive messages which are promptly moved to the deleted folder.

I'm now seeing Jimbob again (you know, lipgloss boy? I might just start calling him lipgloss boy.) Except he's added pigtails to the mix. Which is a bit odd.

Its all a bit odd, its like my body and brain are at war with each other - body says 'omg you havent had a fuck since 23 May' and my brains like 'you don't need a fuck - you're a strong independent woman, invest in a Rabbit'. Whats a girl to do? All the feminist bullshit is derogatory.

I might rape lipgloss boy tonight - perhaps tonight mind and body will be simultaneous in their decision.